Faith Like a Mustard Seed or One Step Forward Two Steps Back…

Wednesday was seven weeks since surgery.  We had gone into PT during the week and had them check his range of motion, it was was great, no pain meds for 7 days, he had gotten over his leg giving out when trying to climb a step, he was even getting better at “touching the water with his toe” as Dr. Standard had asked him to practice….

Back up……A couple of weeks ago, Tanner had taken his spelling test and received his first ever A+ in two years on it.  Talk about a child being excited!  Tanner and his teacher even had a small bet going, he got a A+ on his Pre-test she would buy him a pound of bacon, YES, BACON!  He he did not he would take his allowance and buy her bacon.  All this approved by me.  Tanner got his pound of bacon that Wednesday he was filled with joy.   His teacher and I both glowing in his accomplishment.    Then the next day Tanner and I had some errands to run, he had just bought a Lego Ninja set and it came with a “golden” sword.  While getting out of the car I place the sword and ninja in my coat pocket.  We shopped and shopped and then upon returning to the car I went into my pocket to give him his ninja and gold sword….WoW, where did that sword go?  We looked everywhere!  No sword.  Tanner had done his chores in his wheelchair to earn the money to make this purchase.  Not an easy task but he does them.  He looked at me and asked why does every good thing have a bad thing to follow Mom, I just don’t get it.  To this I could not answer, because he has had so many good things happen yet a bad thing happens not long after. 

When Tanner was diagnosed with Perthes at the age of four, he had so much curiosity,loved to learn and remembered everything he was told, he ran, jumped and even went on bear hunts with his Mom.  There was a day we decided his name must be  Bam Bam because he moved the kitchen table down the foyer hall….it’s madeo of Oak!    At the time of his diagnosis we attended church regularly.  Some of our friends knew about Tanner’s diagnosis and would express their concern usually while picking up our children from class where they were  learning about Jesus.  Learning about how he made the blind to see, the deaf to hear and the lame to walk.  This little boy took it all in!  Every bit of what the sunday school teacher was teaching.   Don’t we all at that age?   Tanner then told me one day that he had faith like a mustard seed, so why hasn’t Jesus made his Perthes go away?  To this I did not have an answer. 

Faith like a mustard seed, that’s all it takes to move a mountain, yet Tanner’s mountain was not being moved.  I could not understand God and his reasonings and I left the church…not my belief but the church where you become a member of a religion.  No one called me, no one stopped in from this church and checked on Tanner.  I wondered where Jesus was in all of this, where was he?  My little boy was a child who knew nothing more than what he had been taught.  Faith like a child, isn’t that what we are taught…to have faith like a child?  My child had that faith yet God in his almighty wisdom chose not to heal him?   Yes, it was at that time my faith began to falter.  I questioned everything and cursed him and his choice to not make Tanner better.   Six years later and my Child with his child like faith ask God last night, to heal him and make him better, to give him a life of a normal boy.  I had to walk away and let him cry because I too was asking that question only with anger in my voice, while I let my faith slip even further away from me….

You see, Tanner aced another spelling test yesterday, he was so excited, his second A+!  Again they had a bet, this time Beef Jerky and his teacher just knew Tanner was going to ace the test that she brought it with her.   They finished class and we had dinner.  After dinner I took Tanner outside to join his sister, niece and a good friend.  I made sure he got down off the porch and he ended up setting on the porch to play with Emma.  David was mowing while Tanner was playing with the girls.  Somewhere in the midst of this beautiful spring night, Tanner was protecting  Emma from falling off the porch that he himself fell.  He land on his left knee and over.  I could hear his blood curdling screams in the closed house.  Running out the door down the steps my stomach heaved…OMG, what have we chosen to do?  Never have we had anything like this…I hate Perthes, I hate Perthes…I want my son to be a little boy.  I am so sick of Perthes and all that comes with it.   David was able to after much assurance to put Tanner in his wheelchair.  We had decided that a trip to the ER was necessary to make sure his femur was not broken with as much pain as he had radiating from his knee up…we also wanted to make sure the hardware was still in place.   Tanner had to be taken by ambulance because he could not move himself without having excruciating pain.   After four hours in the ER, numerous x-rays (they’ve never seen a hip like T’s) discussions with the ER Doctor and Dr. S, it was determined there were no acute fractures and the hardware and hip were all in place.  He will not be doing PT or the CPM for  a few days in order to let the muscle and knee heal.   He is back on Percocet every four hours and Vallum to help with the muscle spasms. 

One step forward two steps back?   Yes, that is what it feels like to this little boy who wants to walk with no pain, play without fear, jump with out worry, ride his bike with out trembling.   Faith like a mustard seed ?  Tanner feels as if his mountain is still going to be moved…mine just keeps having landslides.